Things that keep me up at night

 

Things that keep me up at night—too many to count! I sometimes feel like I might be one of the most neurotic people on earth for all of the insecurities and worries that can trouble me in the middle of the night. I often obsess over inappropriate things I might have said to other people in social situations, and am apt to feel misunderstood. I’m full of self-doubt about everything I do.

For at least the tenth time in my life, I decided to go through the Myers-Briggs battery of questions, thinking somehow it will help me figure out what’s wrong with me—why I butt heads with some people more than others. It always comes out the same. I even have asked my husband and children for suggestions on how I might improve my interactions with these people. They suggest that  I “just don’t say anything.” They know I will probably say the wrong thing! Inaction is not possible for me.

I am an INFJ, apparently a rare type. I’m not sure I completely agree with the assessment, which is why I keep going back every few years hoping I get a different answer.  I always thought it was BS, and still think it is, but here I am again—at least  the answer it yields every time is consistent. But what can I do with it?

things that keep me up at night—being an INFJ

INFJ stands for Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Judging in the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI), which categorizes personality types based on four dichotomies. Here’s what each letter represents:

1. 1. 1. Introverted (I): Prefers focusing on inner thoughts and ideas rather than external activities and interactions. INFJs gain energy from spending time alone or in small, intimate settings.
      2. Intuitive (N): Focuses on the big picture and future possibilities rather than immediate facts and details. INFJs tend to think abstractly and are more concerned with patterns and meanings than practical realities.
      3. Feeling (F): Makes decisions based on personal values and emotions rather than logic and objectivity. INFJs emphasize empathy, harmony, and the impact of their actions on others when making decisions.
      4. Judging (J): Prefers structure, organization, and planned approaches rather than spontaneity or flexibility. INFJs like having things settled and appreciate clear goals and outcomes.

Some people categorize this type as the “Mystic.” It is a creative, imaginative type. Lots of writers and artists fall into this category. Okay, but what about that Judging part? I don’t like that at all!

things that keep me up at night—insulting people

I have several friends that I manage to unintentionally insult or be insulted by every now and then. I don’t know what their MBTIs are, but I do know a few things they have in common. They are furniture movers and extremely detail oriented—perfectionists. I am not. Once I make a decision about the placement of a piece of furniture, it is likely to stay there forever. This must be the “J” part of the MBTI. It is the part I have most quibbled with when it comes to this Myers Briggs assessment of my personality. Specifically, I don’t like the characterization of lacking spontaneity or flexibility.

I generally think of myself as being flexible and spontaneous. I am not rigid. But, if I make plan (which I don’t always do), I prefer that plan stays in place, just like my furniture, especially if there are lots of other people depending on me to carry out my part. I don’t want to pull a chair out from beneath someone in the process of sitting. I want to be dependable. That said, I also don’t want to be crippled by the plan. At the same time, I don’t spend time wallowing in  details that seem inconsequential. It is enough for me to have a big picture plan.

things that keep me up at night—NOT THE DETAILS

Plans change. My husband and I recently planned a family trip. It was a little complicated because it was not a simple round trip. We bought our airline tickets first, and then rented places to stay in each location. Done. Oops, I forgot that I was supposed to go to the wedding of two friends who live close to where we were vacationing, so I had to change the plan, something I adapted to readily and willingly.  My changing the plan had an impact on other people’s plans, but fortunately, for all of us it worked out to everybody’s satisfaction. I was grateful for the flexibility.

A plan for me could be as simple as “Let’s have lunch next Wednesday.” I don’t need to consider the details other than the time and date. We can decide where to eat the day of, or even modify the time. I don’t need to know what we will talk about with each other or whether we will sit inside or outside (not a consideration at all before the pandemic). I have friends who really need to know in advance exactly which restaurant we are going to meet at, and they will even research the menu before going so they know what to order. That is definitely not me.

things that keep me up at night—not what i am going to play

I play bluegrass music with different groups of friends on different days of the week. I host a jam at my house every Monday. Most people show up dependably, but naturally other priorities come up, including for me, and we need to alter the plan. The big plan is that we are going to play songs together. We often don’t know who will be there, what instruments we will have, or what songs will be called in advance. This makes some people uncomfortable.

The challenge of adapting to new musical situations excites me.  I am unafraid to attempt a close harmony on a song I have just heard for the first time, while other people won’t risk that. Some people want to know the precise “correct” notes to sing. I also enjoy attempting to play a melodic solo over a brand new song. Who cares if it isn’t perfect if it sounds good enough?

things that keep me up at night—not what i’m doing on my vacation

One of my friends who I recently irritated with my inability to meet her degree of planning detail, told me she would never want to go on vacation with me. That’s doesn’t bother me a bit. It would be a disaster that would surely end our friendship—we have different personalities. I plan the trip so that it will happen, but I don’t overthink what I will do with every minute of every day, or even make advance reservations unless it is absolutely necessary. I am moderately inflexible about the enveloping plan, but flexible about the details. The plan is a container for lots of possible activities. I prefer spontaneity and flexibility in the details.

I have a low tolerance for a constantly changing container plan. Changing this part of a plan is always the most costly—especially true when planning expensive trips or planning something that involves the goodwill of a lot of people. Messing with the container plan early on is okay, but later is not.

things that keep me up at night—i still don’t know how KNOWING MY PERSONALITY TYPE WILL HELP ME

After this recent foray into my MBTI, I haven’t figured out how to respond more appropriately to my more detail-focused, perfectionist friends when they want me to. I love them, and see a great value in them, and want them on my team as collaborators.  Being forced to spend time hashing out the minutiae  to conform to their desire of perfection usually ends badly. I don’t mind others moving their own furniture, but prefer moving my own. And, for God’s sake, don’t send me an hour by hour itinerary for our next vacation together!  I’ll just meet you in Santa Fe and we can have dinner, go for a hike, or maybe we’ll just sit around on the plaza and people watch for awhile.

Oh, the things that keep me up at night!

And now I must go rearrange my own furniture—we are staging our house for sale, and also staging a dollhouse for the Portland Miniatures and Dollhouse show!